Balanced Equation

Tomorrow is the day I go on a trip to see the one and only girl in my life (that isn't blood related). I'm excited, scared, anxious and nervous all in one. I almost can't wait but I know I have to. I know it will make me so happy, happier tomorrow then I have been since she left. But I know that afterwards I'm going to miss her even more, because I've seen her and won't be able to once again, hold her in my arms for a while. But I know it will help, making time appear faster.
The countdown to when she can be with me constantly again.
A balanced equation of nerves and anxious-little-boy-at-Christmas-time feeling.
As long as I see her tomorrow. . .
I know the day will be amazingly phenomenal.

Tears

Tears should not EVER fall from these eyes of hers. No one should be able to make the girl I care so much about, cry. . .ever. . . period.
In my mind I go from sorrow to nothing, to the feeling of finding everyone who has put her in this state and crushing them. My hands don't shake as I think any of this. I am bound and determined, my path is set. . . Yet I know I cannot.
So I sit here, listening to heavy breathing, and tears hitting the receiver of the phone, in the hand of the one I care most about.
I don't know what to do to help her. And that hurts just as bad as knowing she's in pain.
"I jus' wanna go home." She tells me.

I'd make any of her dreams come true in an instant if I could. . .
Especially this one. . .

. . .\/.\/....

My head hurts tonight. I have a certain amount of everything that I need for a good day. I need to have a certain amount of sugar (from soda and junk food or chocolate), I need to relax, and I need that special someone, wether it be hanging out, texting or talking on the phone.
Doesn't matter if the soda's warm, the chocolate makes me feel funny or if my conversation isn't happy, if all of those things happen it'd still be a good day.
But. . .
I don't get as much time with my girlfriend as I would like. . . so because of that. . .
I'm upping my sugar intake and doing very little.
I don't know what to do with her gone.
I miss her. . .
There I said it. . .
But it doesn't change anything.
She's not in my arms until July 17th the day of a trip. She can't come home and miss this program because it's such a good one. . .
I hold out for her. . .
Because she's worth it. . .
Because it means the world to her that I do,
because she's my world.

Trickster has Discovered Atlantis

I found it, the great under water Utopia. . .
And it's my pool.
It was cold at first but by the end I made myself believe to get out of the pool I would have to enter the water. Once I did, I just about did not want to get out. I sat there cleaning it for a bit but then. . .
I just stopped. It still contained pine needles from nearby trees but I remembered how much I loved the quiet underwater feel. I held my breath and dropped in the water once more. As I listened I heard absolutely nothing. No one screaming at me. No one sharing their problems that I couldn't help them with, nothing, but the sound of moving water and my heart.
I went to the top and layed flat, practicing keeping myself up. I sat there breathing and listening to my heart. It's amazing how aware you are of them both when that's all you hear. I dropped in the water once again, saying good bye to my paradise.
I came up and I could still feel my heart, still hear my breathing rather strongly. . .
Over birds, animals, traffic and the motor to the pool filter.
But I felt calm.
Like I had discovered some great secret, solved my problems and now I was at peace.
I'm ok with everything right now. . .
and I'm loving my piece of Atlantis.

*Sigh*

Ever enter that state of mind where your exhausted? But your body isn't? You want to fall asleep but you know you won't for hours. That's what I'm in. For the last couple of days (. . .six days to be exact) I've had it. I won't go to bed until around three in the morning, until I literally can't keep my eyes open and within 15 minutes I am out until 9:30-10:00, I get up, eat lunch at 11 and go to work if I'm supposed. NOthing is wrong with my life style, I just don't like it. I hate being up so late but it helps me sleep. I don't want to toss and turn for hours.
So I lay here in my bed, voicing my troubles and waiting for my body to finally feel what my mind is screaming at it. . .
Wish me luck. . .

In the Past

I graduated today. I climbed from bed with a starving stomach and the butterflies wanting something too. I went through steps of getting ready and making sure the barbecue afterwards would go well.
As I sat there with my other class members, every one kept saying to be yourself. I couldn't help but look down at my red gown and think this isn't what I normally wear folks. But I digress ;). My gaze finally moved to my hands.
I saw old scars whether they be from something trivial like a broom handle when fighting for it with my father, or as serious as a recent knife cut because I was an idiot and cut towards myself.
*shakes head*
whether it was a scratch from work or a white line from playing quarters during driver's ED they all looked foreign. None of it looked like me. Until I looked at my ring, took it off my finger a bit and saw the white flesh underneath because of how much I had worn it.
I don't know why but it made me smile. I think it was because it was the one piece of jewelry or clothing that would last me this long. It had stuck through relationships, beating at work and being pounded on by accidentally hitting a wall.
I wanted to be like that I guess. . .
forever the same, never changing. . .
and there when needed. . .
Today I took a small walk across a stage, yet it meant more than that. It meant a step into more of an adult, it meant more homework, it meant new friends and less of seeing family.
It mean so much that I don't even know.
All I know is it's over, people are proud I've made it this far in my life and. . .
I am too.
Thank you for all those who have been there for me and will keep doing so.
You have no idea what it means to me. . . really :)
thank you.

Ghost at Graduation

Something supernatural happened tonight, and no one knew it.
Tonight was a graduatuion at a small town high school known as Bucksport High. The some odd hundred or so graduates had a visitor, for two hours they did not see coming.
I went as well. I sat down with everyone and listened to speech after speech of how people were grown up. But how could they know that when they were only 18? If anyone knows anything it is NOT at 18. I thought of how this wuould have been MY class, I would have walked those halls, talked to those people and dated the students if not for the move I had in 4th grade.
At last they handed out diplomas and when the person I went there to see, my cousin Scotty, got his I clapped hard and loud for him and longer for the friends I knew around him.
After it was over I said congrats and tried to show him how happy I was he'd made it this far with me, the next step in a life I hoped we saw the end of together, I left him to his friends that I no longer knew and to a party meant for the Buck's.
At 5:50 a ghost arrived.
Dressed in a striped white and brown polo with tan pants, a senior class ring, couple of bracelets and a black and white bandana tied around the left wrist.
It sat down among others who were there to see family and friends.
As the graduation went on it clapped at the right points, cheered for friend and though of the meanings behind the speeches.
After the students. . .or alumni. . .had their diplomas it went around saying hi to those it knew. Some say they saw it.
A cold shiver ran down a spine or two and one said good bye as it left.
At 8:30 it walked out, a lonely straggler, one of few there still.
It had looked back at the school that it never had a chance to know. It looked back at the people who would have said goodbye to him if he had graduated with it's Alumni, but this was not it's home.
It later spotted a flashing light. People had been pulled over for speeding.
But it imagined the happy grads so excited and not paying attention as they flew off the road into a ditch.
It knew that this moment of graduation was a small step, a pictured memory for those close to you but not for you at all. It showed a growth in you, small but there.
And this ghost who stayed for two hours, who left with everyone else and wasn't truly seen. . .
was me.
But I love where I am i my life and would not change ONE MOMENT. . .
sitting at the table with my mother and sister deciding if we should move. . .
I wouldn't have said " I dunno know."
I should have smiled welcomed the life I have now and said yes.
But I'll be glad with what''s here now and not dwell on the past.

I'm on wings

Yesterday was barely anything special. It was just another rainy day until I was able to see my girlfriend. She was visiting her grandparents but they said I could go over anyways. Talking to my mom and granted I finished my errands she said I could go.
I rushed over in the beast my mom says is the blazer (my own car still being fixed after her wanting to be a racecar. Getting there we play pool, watch T.V. play some more, talk, play skip-bo with her grandmother, have dinner and an amazing chocolate pie with a thin layer a peanut butter.
(one other thing I'll keep to myself for. . . personal reason. . .)
and for some reason, all of these things led to a day where I never stopped smiling. I didn't stopped enjoying myself (though I was beaten thoroughly at pool and skip-bo by my date. . .)
I'll never forget yesterday. . .
It was to perfect. . .

Please daddy please!!!

so I'm driving home from my father's house. (My parents are divorced but I don't mind, means to of every holiday! XD) My sister is in the seat beside me and we took my car, we named her Scout because she's kind of a boyish looking car but you know it's still a girl. She'd been acting funny lately, engine light on, hesitating to go when i put my foot on the gas and such; but, i go around a turn and all of a sudden out of nowhere she starts rumbling!
I freak out, not knowing what to think and scared almost shitless I take her off to the side of the road and try to see if she'll come out of the noise. After a couple of times reving her up in park, she doesn't. I flip out. Dani, my sister and the responsible one calls our mom.
I go for a walk down the road to see if I hit anything and to cool off because of how upset I am. I end up calling my girlfriend to tell her happened.
David, my stepfather shows up and tells me to start the car so I do. The noise continuing David says the engine is fine but it's the exhaust. Part of the piping to the muffler broke off, so it was louder but she was fine.
"Looks like she wanted to be a racecar." Dani says.
I can almost hear my car asking me if she can.
No, no you can't i say to myself. I drive home and each time she starts up, it's a back massage.
She's SO gonna get it. . .

Nervous Breath

High school graduation is right around the corner.
*Peeks and takes a breath*
I can't help but be nervous. I'm leaving the safety of my home, learning how to pay bills, going to college with no one looking over my shoulder (which I both hate and love) and I'm going to be away from all of my friends.
I don't know how I'll handle it.
I don't know if I'll crash and burn.
I don't know if I'll do well and love it.
I dion't know if any combo of thins will happen.
All I can do is keep walking, keep moving and hope it turns out all right. What else is there? What else can I do but hope for the best and try my damn hardest.